Everyone in a long-term relationship knows that sometimes a wrong, seemingly small step can open the door to a big verbal altercation. Even now that you can work from home and spend more time together, 'battles' are likely to be frequent.
Disagreements are a healthy part of any relationship, but if we keep a fiery shield of pride, it will leave both parties exhausted and at worst, hurt.
"There is a big difference between arguing and being abusive and de-constructive," said Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York.
In this sense, it is not about setting a ‘peg’ or irony, (which is likely to lead to an explosion) or shouting until your partner gives up and slams the door. Instead, the goal is to communicate effectively, rationally: why you feel the way you do and listen to the other person's perspective.
"Good fight" is not an easy skill to develop, but it can be achieved. These expertly supported strategies will help you in the future.
Think before you start a 'battle'
Not everything is worth getting out of. If it is a habit that the other cannot break, then determine if it is ultimately worth the energy to argue about it. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if the issue in question really affects your emotional or mental health.
"When I talk to couples, I advise them not to focus on the little things, but to stick to issues that really have an impact on their lives like trust, emotional security, finances and raising children ," Hafeez said."Even in a friendship, no one is perfect. Sometimes we have to accept people as they are, not as we want them to be. (Unless they are behaving in a way that is toxic or detrimental to our emotional health.) "
Stay in the present
Avoid the temptation to bring up issues of the past.
For example: 'n uk you were good to me last night ', or' you did the same thing last year when we were in x country. ' Stay close to a problem at all times, and focus only on the current issue.
Give priority to empathy The point of argument should only be communication why you feel the way you feel. It is never conducive to humiliating, slandering or negatively affecting one’s self-esteem. If you feel extremely hot, breathe for 15 minutes or even a few hours to gain calm. This will stop you from saying something hurtful.
Instead of saying hurtful words, practice empathy
Studies from the Gottman Institute show that it takes five positive interactions to overcome any negative interactions. In other words, if you say something that is extremely harmful, on average it will take five positive gestures to try to compensate for it. If you make a mistake or say something hurtful, sincerely apologize at that moment.
Shift the goal to gaining common ground
In the midst of an argument it may seem like nothing is more important than proving that you are right and that you have been hurt or offended in some way. It's perfectly okay to express that you feel that way, but stay away from trying to come out as the "winner".
"Try to ask yourself if it is more important to be 'fair' or to be kind to your partner and listen to his perspective," Exelbert advised.
Accepting that both of your points of view are valid - even if you are against each other on topic X - shows mutual respect. This humanizes you both in the heat of the conflict and allows you to develop the discussion more easily.
